So, who’s been single? If you didn’t raise your hand for this question then I don’t know what or who you are and nor can I understand your existence. Please explain when you get the chance because I’m sure there are many people out there who would read your story.

Single is an ugly word isn’t it? It makes you feel like a slice of cheese, all alone in its wrapping, watching as other singles get put in sandwiches and you’re left all by yourself. Maybe getting a touch moldy, a little crunchy around the edges, just being a sad slice all alone in the fridge. At least, that’s the story for some days. Other days, who gives a flying sack of potatoes? So what if you’re single? Single means freedom. Freedom to do what you want, when you want, and how you want without trying to impress or appease another person who is constantly around. True, there are some great things about being single and out there on your own, but when that ever hungry and demeaning goblin known as loneliness starts banging you with his club, you can’t help but feel like that slice of cheese.

Thankfully for those of us who walked out the door to birth without having social skills installed, the information era has gifted us with the tools needed to interact with the fearsome outside world without actually having to leave our warm and cozy inside world. You’ve heard of it, rather good or ill. Online Dating! Taking the “out” of the “going out” since the birth of the internet. I wonder if I could get paid for that slogan? Probably not. Nobody steal it! It’s mine!

So that’s where we find 21 year old me, fresh out in the world, getting by on energy drinks and microwave noodles, with about as much skill with social interaction as a plastic fish’s head at a Christmas party, desperately trying to be recognized by the opposite sex. Desperation may be a little strong, but wanting very badly is so wordy.

I’d tried the ol’ classic meet and greets and blind dates set up by friends who thought they knew me, but think about your friends for a minute. How many of them know you well enough to set you up with somebody that you might actually like? Now, how many of them might happen to have a distant cousin they might out at you just because? I bet there are a lot more in category number 2 than the first. Such was the case. So, online dating.

Like many a college student, I was broke, so the fancy land of eHarmony and Match were out of my price range. Tinder, I’m not going to get started with that. The mere word feels sticky in my mind. Which, if you’re with somebody off Tinder, don’t be offended. You might have been lucky. As someone who constantly hits all six red lights on the way into town, I can assure you I would have wound up with Gollum’s less attractive sister. So here we hit upon the realm of free online dating, which should be three words that don’t ever meet, but that’s where I was in my life.

I won’t tell you the site it was. They aren’t sponsoring me. All I can say is it shares a name with a certain holiday figure who’s fond of archery. You got it? Cause that’s the hint. I hopped on the site filled out every single category of the bio, and then listed everything I could think of that I found important. One doctoral thesis later, I uploaded three pictures and boom, I was ready to virtually mingle!

Or so I thought. Turns out, online dating still requires a good deal of effort other than swiping left or right. Sure, that’s a thing, but it’s not so simple, at least it wasn’t for me. I did the quizzes, answered additional questions, and even worked the herculean task of mustering the courage to fire off a few messages. Don’t worry, I didn’t do the generic “hi” or “wyd” or the never gets old “what’s your sign?” I read the profiles. Gasp! It’s true. If you’re out there on these things, read the dang thing! The person who wrote it gives you free clues on how to talk to them! That’s something you don’t get IRL. The bio is like the ultimate cheat sheet to a test you’re going to take over and over and over again. Use it!

So I read the profiles, and then agonized over every word of what I thought might be an original message. Sometimes I got responses, but was more often than not ignored. I had more than a few promising conversations grow cold and break down. Let me tell you, that sucks balls, because you never know what you did wrong. Best advice, assume they got a better offer and move on. Save the “fight for your love” for the romance novel protagonists. You’re more likely to win if you have the chiseled physique of a Greek god and the confidence of Jack Sparrow than you are if you lean toward the hefty side and get frightened by prolonged eye contact. Speaking from personal experience on the latter of course. Just move on.

I was on the site for a while. Even went on a date or two, but nothing worked out. I don’t know if my expectations were too high, if I just didn’t live up to expectations, or just didn’t try hard enough, but after almost a year of trying, I felt like it was time to abandon ship and resign myself to aging in the back of the fridge for a few more years before finding my sandwich.

Summer had finally come and finals had truly taken the will out of me. I had made up my mind to disable my account, but couldn’t gather the energy to do it until several days after the term had ended. When I logged on, I noticed a little red 1 by the messages tab. What the hell? Might as well see what was up. There was indeed a message, from a woman who I had never spoken to before on the site. It was a pretty generic message, but, like you before coming to this post, I was bored and had nothing better to do. I clicked the link to her profile and began to read.

Ever hear about those stories where something sounds too good to be true? I could have sworn I was now in the lead role of such a story. This woman went to the same university I did, enjoyed many of the same anime, played many of the same video games, read the same genre of books I enjoyed, and based on some rather intriguing photos with a mannequin, appeared to be as strange and weird as I was! Like I said, too good to be true.

I didn’t respond right away. I had some sleuthing to do. Using her username and picture, I searched the endless landscape of the web, looking for any sign that this person truly existed. I found another dating profile on another website, a tumblr account, and, finally, an aged instagram that hadn’t been posted on in quite a while, but that was enough for me to believe that it was indeed a real person that had reached out to me out of the unknown. Whether they were truly as incredible as they seemed was yet to be determined. There was only one thing left to do. After three days, I sent a reply.

A conversation was unlikely after such a delay, I knew that, but the burning inferno of my curiosity demanded everything in my power be done to find answers! To my surprise, she responded promptly. To say what ensued was awkward would be saying Mars is a just a hop, skip, and a jump away from the Earth. There was no real traction, no true connection to be found. Even after reading the profile, no strand of conversation jumped out as an appropriate place to begin. However, remember the mannequin I mentioned earlier? Well, I just had to know.

Turned out she hadn’t come into possession of said mannequin through any mysterious means, but it was part of her disaster coordination training for her degree. This was the foothold I needed, and I gladly took it. This somehow led us to a topic we mutually gushed over, zombies. I know you’re probably thinking. Really? This is it? This was how you bonded? The answer is an emphatic yes. Got a problem with it? Is bonding with somebody over modern art or through the mediation of a bottle of tequila more appropriate for your sensibilities, Sharon? You do you, and we’ll do us.

That one conversation led to many more, all because of zombies. Thanks for reading, and I will post more of the story later on. Be sure to follow for the most up to date info. Thanks again. Peace!